Chapter 2: Four Practical Secrets to Empowering Your Emotional Life
This chapter lays the foundation for everything else that is to come in the book. As mentioned earlier, Orloff believes that emotions have 4 components: biology, spirituality, energetic power, and psychology and that to really address emotional issues we have to look at all four components.
In the first section of this chapter, she walks us through how emotions create biological responses, and what the effects of those responses can be. She talks about the fight or flight response and how it is extremely helpful with dealing with short-term stress and danger, but long term exposure to the chemicals and the hormones that the body releases under stress actually makes us sick. She then addresses the relaxation response and the positive effects it has on the body. Most importantly, she points out that stress will come to us, but we have to go looking for calm. We must actively seek and cultivate it.
Orloff promotes meditation as a way to deal with the stresses of life. She also gives directions for a three minute meditation that focuses on breathing. This meditation is very similar to something I have been doing for years, and it really does help, when I remember to take the time to do it. Sometimes, even when I remember, I feel like I don't have time to do it, but the truth is, you don't even have to do this full 3 minute meditation. A few low, slow breaths can do a lot to help deal with stress. Somewhere recently (don't you love those kinds of references) I read that if you have time to meditate, you should spend 20 minutes meditating. If you don't have time to meditate, spend an hour. I believe it. If we took more time to calm ourselves, I really believe that we would be more productive and kinder people.
Now back to the book...
The second section addresses emotions through the lens of spirituality. This section is absolutely beautiful and one I need to read frequently for reminders of why I am here. As a Mormon, I was taught that our purpose on this earth is to learn and to become more like Christ. Orloff's definition of spirituality fits that perfectly.
Spirituality, as I'm defining it, is a quest for meaning that goes beyond the linear mind to access a vaster force of compassion to frame everything...Spirituality is freeing because it means opening the heart and doing your darndest to see every nanosecond of existence through this aperture. Always, you must ask, "How can a situation--any situation--help me grow and develop loving-kindness toward myself or others?" (page 42)
When we view emotions simply as negative, we lose the lessons they can teach us. It is through those lessons that we transform the emotions and refine our souls. Feelings of jealousy can be an opportunity to develop self-worth, depression can help us learn about hope.
Orloff then presents a beautiful heart meditation to help counter negative self-talk. I was pleasantly surprised to encounter a very similar meditation in a class I am taking right now. And I have a firm belief that if the same thing keeps popping up in different areas of your life, maybe it is something that you need to pay attention to.
One of my favorite concepts is that of compassion. It seems to be at the heart of everything Orloff discusses as well. I love this quote:
Compassion is the great transformer, of the self and the world. No matter how things seem, your compassion doesn't fall on deaf ears. Remember: Jesus talked about love and the people listened. Whenever you feel lost, return to your heart. It's the doorway to heaven. (page 47)
Energy. This is one of those topics that some of my friends think is a little to "out there" or weird for them. That's fine. I respect the place you are in your journey. The more I study and the more I learn, the more I come to believe that I have to address the energy components of all things. It affects me and I know it. Positive emotions create a different kind of energy than negative ones do. Like stress, negative emotions (and the energy they carry) deplete us physically and energetically. They are also easy to find and often more powerful than the positive ones, so once again, we have to seek out positive energy. Again, she chooses to focus on kindness, love, compassion, and empathy.
When you are coming from a conscious, empathic place, that energy fills you and extends to others. This won't make you into a Pollyanna or a pushover. Rather, you can get across almost anything if you say it the right way. ( page 50)
I'll be honest, I didn't do the action step for this section. Actually, it might be more correct to say that I didn't do it when I read the chapter. I've been doing the second part of it for most of my life. To help you feel the difference in the energy that positivity and negativity can bring, Orloff asks you to stand in front of a mirror and say positive things to yourself about yourself and feel what that feels like. (This is actually a great exercise for any day.) She then has you say negative things to yourself and feel and see how you change. Like I said, I've been there and done that, and have no need to feel that again. Personally, I would recommend doing it in the opposite order so you end feeling good about yourself. I'm not a fan reciting meaningless affirmations. (Positive stuff that someone else says I should say even through I don't believe any of it.) Believe me, I've tried. That type of therapy never worked. But finding some little thing that is good and positive and reminding yourself of that frequently can work.
In the final section of this chapter, Orloff addresses psychology. To truly understand who we are and why we respond the way we do, we need to look at the people and situations that influenced us, both for good and for bad. We inherit our virtues and our vices from our parents. Here she has us list both the good and bad qualities we see in our parents, making them human, neither demons nor angels. Then she has you take a close look at those lists. Do you see yourself in any of those things? If you are always criticizing, is that because it is how you want to be or because it is what you saw from a parent? By viewing these traits from the outside, we can see which things from our parents we need to let go of, and which we need to embrace.
"Who is reacting--me or my parents?" (page 59)
Wrapping up the chapter, Orloff reminds us of the awakening to consciousness that is the path to freedom.
In all circumstances, make this your mantra: "I will keep moving toward the light, toward compassion." (page 59)
Compassion--for me, for who I used to be, for who I am becoming, for those I love, for those I don't understand, for those who seem to fight against me. I can choose. And I choose compassion.
Questions for discussion or personal reflection:
1. Stress can contribute to hypertension, heart disease, some cancers, and depression. What are you doing to help calm the physical responses of your body?
2. What do you think about meditation? Does the word itself turn you off? Do you associate it with weird things you don't understand? (Yes, at one point that was me).
3. Some people meditate through movement (dance, running, tai chi, yoga, etc.) Some people meditate through prayer. Some people meditate by spending quiet time in nature. How do you meditate, or if you don't like that word, how do you calm and/or focus yourself?
4. How does your spirituality tie in to how you deal with emotions?
5. Talk to me about compassion and the place it has in your life. Go here to read about a few things that I learned.
6. I believe in energy and that our energy can affect those around us. What do you think? How do you cultivate energy?
7. For awhile (too long in fact) it was fashionable to blame all your problems on your parents. I love that Orloff doesn't do that, focusing on both the good and bad that we can get from them. She also emphasizes that although we are influenced by the way we were raised, we are not our parents, and we don't have to react in the same way. We can choose. What things about your parents have you chosen to emulate and which things have you chosen to move away from?
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